![]() ![]() In many ways, she is simply re-scheduling those symptoms in order to get by and foregoing meaningful social relationships as a result. It’s not proof that she is doing well or that her symptoms aren’t severe. But the price I pay for that is not being able to do anything else.įor Tracy, functionality isn’t a form of self-care. All the appearance of my functioning is paid for by utter decimation and exhaustion the rest of the time. The trouble is, using all my control, sanity, and energy during the week to try and produce enough work to pay my rent leaves me with a large deficit when I’m not working. It’s by design.” Her guise of normalcy allows her to dedicate herself to her job, stay on top of her workload, and keep her clients happy. They meet me, I look fine, I interact, I charm, I with, and all seems normal,” she says. ![]() “Sometimes people don’t believe I’m particularly sick. I would lose the right to just have a bad day.” She exhausts her emotional resources in order to keep not just the professional reputation she has earned, but her basic dignity.įor writer Natasha Tracy, functionality is more focused and forged for the purpose of being able to pay the bills. “My right to express even normal anger or irritability, happiness, or my effervescent sense of humor would be suspected as pathological. Flala, who can count on one hand the number of people to whom she’s disclosed her illness outside of her family. ![]() “If my colleagues knew I was bipolar, I fear that I would never again be taken seriously, that I would be viewed as the ‘impaired’ physician who, at the display of passion or emotion, would be seen as having an ‘episode,’” writes Dr. Often, these mechanisms are targeted toward one area of your life and developed not to alleviate the distress of your symptoms, but to power through them for the sake of functionality itself-they allow you to keep the job you need to support yourself, do what you need to do to care of your family, or keep your illness hidden from view. Maintaining functionality is not necessarily a comment on the severity of your symptoms, but on the fact that you have created mechanisms for yourself to suppress them, work around them, or compensate for them, even in deeply painful moments. Sometimes, however, functionality is a survival mechanism, barely letting you keep your head above water as you navigate the obstacles of your illness.įor many, high-functioning bipolar disorder isn’t simply a natural state, but the result of hard work. Sometimes, this high level of function is the result of successful treatment many people with bipolar disorder can live full, rich, and productive lives with appropriate supports. You can care for yourself, you can engage socially, you can keep and even be exceptional at your job. However, bipolar disorder is experienced and handled by people in infinite ways and high-functioning bipolar disorder is a reality for many. The illness is often thought to be so consuming that it fundamentally fractures one’s ability to function at the level needed to achieve success in the traditional workplace. While they are imagined to excel in the arts, few expect to encounter the physician, the lawyer, the c-suite executive with bipolar disorder. In the vast spectrum of mental health disorders, bipolar disorder is generally considered to be “serious.” In our cultural mythology, people with bipolar disorder have extreme manias that scream their illness for everyone to hear and deep depressions that render them immobilized. Her story is one shared by many, remains largely invisible when we talk about bipolar disorder, and acts as a reminder that functionality does not mean the end of suffering. Normal is a place I visit, not one in which I am allowed to remain.įlala’s essay speaks to the struggles of living with high-functioning bipolar disorder: functional enough to create and maintain an illustrious career, care for her daughters, and forge a few close friendships, not functional enough to feel free from the illness that plagues her. I have bipolar disorder: manic depression. She appears to live a hectic but happy life, and manages to do it with efficiency and grace. The actor is friendly and outgoing, provides good patient care in a group practice, and successfully juggles the rigors of home and career as a single parent. But my life plays out in a different theater. I go through the same motions as others: I wake, relate, and work. In a moving essay published in the Journal of the American Medical Association she writes: Her reputation in the field is outstanding, and she is renowned for the compassionate manner in which she treats her patients. She was appointed chief resident of her residency program. When she graduated from medical school she received an award for excellence in her clinical work. ![]() Suzanne Flala has always been a high achiever. ![]()
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